A Floral Piece

TGIF!

A quick search on Google reveals my blog, my twitter, my facebook and my flickr album. That makes four of my most personal, my most frequently visited sites all listed on a public domain. If I were fourteen, I’d probably feel happy that my name is plastered all over the Internet but I’m nineteen, and seeing my name plastered on Google freaks me out. Just recently, I found out that my ex-boss read my twitter and possibly my blog updates too. Now that would be fine if I were friends with him but I wasn’t. Our relationship was strictly kept to work and that was what made it all the more uncomfortable for me.

I have a lot of things to write about but very little time. Sleep comes easy these days when half of your time is spent in a lab, looking at mountains of codes and trying to make it work. Enthusiasm often runs short as the day goes by. It’s been a long week in school. I managed to get a few things done but they need some tweaking before it’s complete. And that, I’ll be working on next week. The idea of PR2 terrifies me – that’s when you either make it or break it.

It’s do or die, and anything in between exists only to delude you in false hopes.

The photo above describes exactly how I feel these days. I’m the guy in the background – clueless and not knowing what step to take on next. And the ones in the foreground are my friends. I don’t feel like I belong or fit in anywhere quite honestly. I’ve distanced myself from people I know – both in school and outside of school. I’ve turned down invitations to parties and weekend outings. It’s not like they did anything to make me behave the way I am. It’s just that, somewhere along the way, I lost that connection I knew I once had when I got to know them for the first time and I need to somehow reconnect myself with that touch again.

Just to make things clear: if I happen to give you the cold shoulder in the last two weeks, it’s unintentional and it’s not you I’m mad at. I’m just simply at a point in my life where I’m beginning to realize my life is a hollow shell that consists only of work and rest and anything in between is negligible. It’s high time I re-evaluate my situation.

I’m so sleeeeeeeeppy!!

I don’t know what plans I have tonight. At first, I was going to stay back after lab hours are over to work on my project. But I don’t know if I should. I think that’ll depend whether or not I get things done a lot today. If I do manage that, I won’t be staying back but instead be making dinner plans with Gary who still owes me a meal and which I will haunt him for the rest of his life till he clears his debt. Bwahahaha, I so evilz.

Anyway, I’ve been sleeping early everyday and waking up super late and still feeling tired! Don’t know why exactly but my mornings are always awful most times. Tomorrow night, I have an appointment with my doctor. Hopefully, my blood pressure has gone down. The stress of major project is getting to me and making my BP shoot sky high. No joke!

Okay, I’m going to check my mail and then proceed to start work.

~bbb syndrome!

The thing about owning a DSLR is that once you buy one, the investment doesn’t just stop there. You’ve got to get better lenses. Possibly the tripod too but not necessarily so since I hardly ever take night shots. And an external flash which at this point, I have no need for. What I do need, and quickly, is a dry cabinet. Given the humid weather, in about two to three months, fungus will start to grow on my lens and my camera. And I don’t want that happening – not now, not ever.

Anyway, school is pissing me off lately. It’s mostly the workload but I often find myself feeling rather distant from friends whom I was once close with. Don’t know if it’s just me but I have an awful feeling that I’m beginning to loathe a handful.

(Don’t ask me who – I won’t say. Not even if you offer to bribe me Mee Rebus or a lifetime worth of camera equipment funds.)

In the words of Meredith Grey, I’m dark… and twisty.

I appreciate it when a friend comes to me to tell me what’s bothering them. I feel honoured when they tell me their secrets. But there are days when I cannot give a shit about their problems because I have my own to handle. And I cannot bring my heart to get all prissy about it because I don’t want to end up hurting their feelings. So instead I keep quiet and listen intently to what they are saying but rarely do I offer my opinions afterward because I have nothing to say. I don’t always have things together all the time. I make a lot mistakes. I’m flawed in many ways I cannot begin saying. And above all, I’m not a miracle worker, lady.

Faith is hard to come by

It’s 2am right now. I wish there were someone I could call and ask them out for a real talk where I could bare myself open and not have to worry about being judged. I just wished I could feel comfortable enough to call someone right now without being told I abruptly ended their sleep.

I am extremely lethargic. The first week of school since the holidays ended have been crazy. There were more downs than ups than I could count. The only thing that kept me sane throughout the week was my friends and the time I spent after school hours were over, either over at a friend’s house or in my own room reading a book quietly to myself.

I’ve been contemplating a lot on what’s going to happen post-poly. For one thing, there’s the army to finish. Then after that… what? I used to want to go to a university but the idea of it doesn’t excite me anymore. I want to start work – preferably run my own business or work in the creative industry where I know I will excel in – and earn my own keep and move elsewhere some day. But that idea alone of moving elsewhere and having to leave my family and the people I love behind terrifies me.

There’s a lot about the future that scares me. Whether or not I’m going to be successful at life in general, that’s a whole other aspect I haven’t yet dealt with. Only thing I’m certain of is that I don’t want to be that kind of person who has to always continuously try to make ends meet. That is not who I am, and never will be a fraction of me. I’m capable of more; I’m capable of asking for better in life. I’m a person full of hope and dreams and plans but whether or not the hope lasts, the dreams get fulfilled or the plans met, that’s still in the open.

But I’m okay with that. Because you know why?

I have faith.

Eheh, eheh.

I saw this dude with a Canon 5D camera taking a landscape shot of city skyline. And he had his built-in flash on. Hahahahaha. Walaoeh, EPIC FAIL TIMES INFINITY! Did he really think the flash could illuminate a landscape shot?

I WISH I WUZ A REBEL.

This blog is lacking visuals! So.. here are some of my first few shots from the 40D!

Bought mah 40D~ YAYZ

I met the Canon 40D seller last night! It was a long ride to and fro Yishun, but I was glad my dad came along with me. It’d be awkward if I went alone. I wouldn’t know what to say. Besides, Yishun is a rather ‘ulu’ town, and it’s a lot worse at night. Anyway, I took the camera for some tes shots and I’m very satisfied with it. Camera body looks good, functionalities work. Hopefully as the day goes by, I don’t run into any problems.

Might drop by MS Color or SLS later on after school is over to get the CF card and the kit lens. I’m gonna start small first WITH the kit lens but once I’ve got a bigger budget to feed the BBB syndrome, I’m buying a few more. So I’m going to start saving up again and hopefully by end of November, I have enough.

Okay, gonna Facebook now lol! :O